i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
sex in a hospital.. check
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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