She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
