Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
