yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
