Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
