yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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