went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
