Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
