she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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