I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
