I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
