happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
