At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she told me i tasted like america
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
