I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
