My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
