She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
