if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
MIDGETS
????
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Randomize
