Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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