whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She made me pour olive oil on her.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
