I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
