Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
