He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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