I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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