my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
