how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
