ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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