If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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