I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
