dude i'm inner monologue high
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
