I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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