You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
