The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
