Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
