just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
