Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
