Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
