I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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