...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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