He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
