masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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