I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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