just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
