I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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