Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
