I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
sex in a hospital.. check
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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