call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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