The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
