girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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