the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
