dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
