porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
