so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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