how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
